Aspects of Chaplaincy

A Talk Given at the Diocese of Delaware Convention Dinner, 20 April 2007

I want to invite you to an undocumented time in history when two armies are poised just before the moment when swords come down on shields and an enormous roar rises around you. Up the far side of the hill you were beating the flat side of sword against shield to create a great din while giving rhythm to the march toward what fate held for you. Perspiration and heavy breathing are in the air...and so is fear.

From the corner of your eye you see St. Martin's cloak riding on a pole. The impression is as palpable as all the organized expressions of bravery and it radiates an island of calm. A breeze rustles it and still the garment gives assurance. How divine and eternal moments come from such hardscrabble times!

There is an enduring truth behind this great story about St. Martin of Tours. The scene is outside the city gate, Amiens, France in the year 337. Martin dismounts after battle, cuts his cloak in half and gives it to a beggar, and then dreams-realizes-that it was Christ whom he had clothed. It sounds like a folktale but it is also archetypal. Recall with me how St. Francis of Assisi, also a soldier, encounters a beggar after battle, dismounts and embraces him...and it is also Christ! Something profound is at work here for the human spirit as God reveals to us what we can finally see...when we most need to see it.

After his encounter St. Martin tried to live a normal life but everything he did was different. He could not take his place in the regiment again and he could not associate with others in the same way. Little by little his experience with Christ took over his whole existence. He found himself compromising military duties and worrying about whether the afflicted had a companion in their suffering--the reverse of what his profession of soldiering had intended for him to do. This enduring charism in St. Martin was revealed through Christ's identification with suffering and it would be lived out in chaplaincy, in perpetuity. We may change the scene, move ahead some centuries, and Christ is still waiting for us after trauma and terror. When relief is offered through such companionship...it is unforgettable.

The term "chaplain" comes from the word for the garment or "chapela" worn by the priest who accompanied troops to war modeling themselves on St. Martin. Soon the garment itself was displayed and held high for all to see-despite the turmoil of battle-it was a symbol of God's presence.

I invite you to stand in admiration with me of all the chaplains you have ever met. Perhaps some have worked in a hospital or maybe you recall a chaplain when you served in the military. There may have been a chaplain at the school you attended. No doubt you came to know a chaplain during a period of transition in your life. Across different institutional settings their work can be portrayed in a number of ways which enhance our understanding of ministry as this charism wafts around all things but resisting any particular vocational category. Plainly said, chaplaincy is practiced by everyone, some just more intentionally than others.

So how about you? How much "chaplain" is in your life? No doubt you've noticed two aspects already. For example, you might find your work in Christ becoming portable and you might find yourself always being pushed into states of newness with certain consequences. Each of these is attributable to chaplaincy and what St. Martin set in motion from his encounter with Christ so long ago.

What do I mean by portable? The person in chaplaincy carries a special sense of Christ with her/him. Often the circumstances make it so. For example, you have to carry only the bare essentials for salvation to work in a prison or go into combat. But it goes further than accoutrements. When a hospital chaplain approaches a nursing station everyone there--being glad for and familiar with the chaplain's visits-raises their eyes and in that moment the atmosphere is changed. All the clinicians think of themselves on their own spiritual journey. If you were stuck on vacation with your family, in a remote place, and you forgot your prayer book could you compose worship from memory? A wise priest once advised me to memorize the canticles of the Daily Office as a means to offer praise to God, anywhere, anytime. Portability suggests a familiarity and handiness with the art of conversation with God. It is an art form we don't want to neglect. It is a form of art because we should be able to perceive the means of salvation anywhere. Leave any technical need for the right equipment behind. Rigorous liturgical usage doesn't work here but strangely you'll recognize liturgy's deeper and more profound beauty through its portable applications.

One of our hospital chaplains told me the story of accompanying someone to the surgical suite for a serious operation. The lay chaplain had been fretting that sshe wasn't cleared to go into the surgical wing. "I can't go in there with you," she said. Just before being rolled through the swinging doors to the waiting surgical team the patient announced that he wanted to be baptized. The quick thinking chaplain asked the attendants to pause the gurney and backed him up to a hallway drinking fountain and baptized him right then and there in the Name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. "Now, I have someone who can go with me." He said as he disappeared down the hall and out of sight. Not only can the means for salvation be portable but the disposition of the chaplain, indeed of us all, can be as well. How portable and ready are you?

Chaplaincy also represents an exercise of being in a relationship with those who are experiencing some state of newness. Whether they have recently joined the military, have just entered a hospital, a prison or jail, each person is entering the anxiety of a new and unfamiliar existence. Chaplains are with people during this loss of familiarity and resulting stress and disorientation. They do it full time but I bet you have had these experiences in your life or witnessed them in the life of someone you love. This state of newness is easily recognizable in the military as it prepares and trains men and women for battle especially when deployment is a nearby possibility.

There is a unique sociology at work here since those already in service act upon those who are "new" until they are absorbed into the organization, or become less new. The chaplain, thereby, is asked to remain part of the body of staff but never to forget what it was like to be "new." This is a crucial exercise and one that bedevils many good chaplains since they want to demonstrate enough ability to be accepted by institutional colleagues yet never leave the fragile world of what it was like to be unsure, doubtful even afraid. We have a continuing dialogue among military chaplains on this score...we don't want them ever to become too military yet they must be military enough to make their way around in the environment. Let's say there's an initiation for some fraternity or club where you found yourself in that lonely place and then later had great empathy for those having the same experience. "The others would complain if I interrupted things and gave them a hand" You thought to yourself. But you did so anyway, or wish you had.

The experiences we are describing can create wave after wave of "newness." Changes in military orders, updated lab reports, bad news from home, any increase of the initial alienation are common place. Military chaplains, on average, perform over 1200 counseling sessions in a year. Someone decided to compile and analyze all those numbers and the conclusion was that the chaplain must be practiced with a variety of resources from life offered to the counselee during many impromptu contacts. The goal is: insight and wisdom increases as disequilibrium yields to stability. That complicated statement simply says that everyone is in search of meaning and when you are unsteady you can never find it but companionship helps. We have arranged for the Diocese of Southwestern Virginia to gather its clergy in outside of Blacksburg and Virginia Tech tomorrow. Why? Because as Dr. Karen Binder-Brynes, expert on trauma, says such horrific experiences are isolating and it is simply healing and reassuring to cast your eyes on someone else across a room. With each new circumstance comes a fresh person requiring the chaplain to match them in a companionship of being perpetually innocent and new.

Persons who are new and enter at the edge of an institution's life reside there temporarily but as we have seen it doesn't change the focus of the chaplain. We all tend to put the most obvious things we need to do directly in our daily line of sight yet there will always be persons and circumstances which move to the side and our periphery. Chaplains may have an active ministry in the busy life of the institution but those out of full view and potentially forgotten are the ones who must receive the special advocacy of the vigilant chaplain. Our Lord gave us an example of this peripheral sensitivity when he called Zacheus down from the tree. Jesus reached beyond his sight to embrace someone on the margin. This proposition of making oneself adept in new situations and sensitive to those not necessarily seen comes with the special perception which Sharon Salzberg calls having gentle, "wise eyes."

Here in Delaware we might be due for a chaplaincy checkup using this measure of wise eyes. The University of Delaware's Dr. William W. (Bill) Boyer describes some startling things in his book, "Governing Delaware." He presents the story of a state which has rural and urban communities cheek to jowl. He writes of a state so easy to live in and manageable that one chronicler noted that, "the state government is the biggest local government in Delaware." Still, with a chaplains' acuity and wise eyes you might challenge yourself with the question, "Where have we yet to see Christ?"

I've read how Delawareans are rightfully proud of their state and not wild about an outsider coming in with a critique but because of the charism always present in this land, courtesy of the Saints Francis and Martin of Tours, we are compelled to ask, "Where are people in worry and afraid?" Socio-political scientist Boyer shares these observations: compared with national figures citing African Americans as 30.9 percent of the population behind bars, in Delaware that figure jumps to an amazing 65.4 percent keeping in mind that minority only comprises 17 percent of the state's population; Delaware has the highest cancer death rate in the United States; Delaware has one of the ten fastest growth rates of the 65 plus population, by 2020 1 in 5 Delawareans will be over 65 but one in eight of that number will be living in poverty.

Our exercise of looking at chaplaincy in ourselves becomes very serious when considering how prepared we might be for a crisis. Our office has been asked to be present during the most dramatic moments in the past five years, even, as I mentioned in Blacksburg, Virginia. Indeed, we changed the name of the episcopacy to reflect the new demands on leadership. It used to be called "Armed Forces" and now it is called "Chaplaincies." Whether it is September 11th, the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, or the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina we have kept the file on how leaders handle stress. In terms of our survey this evening everything still applies...how portable are you, do you have wise eyes, where is your work perpetually new, and now, how will you react as a leader in the next crisis?

After consulting many people as well as absorbing some things from the epics of our times I came up with this formula. It seems to make sense: Conviction, fear, courage, and faith have a linear connection and congregational life can be the training ground for movement along this critical path.

A lot has been written about courage under fire. We look with admiration at those who coolly perform when things seem most desperate; they seem to hold things together. But when you talk to them you realize that courage didn't come out of thin air. There was a recent news article in the Wilmington News Journal about a sophisticated communications system now in place in Delaware in case of a disaster. The article said, "In the aftermath of storms like Katrina Delawareans want to be prepared."

We naturally think to ask, "What preparations of character are going on as well among Delaware's citizens?" Or, for that matter among Episcopalians? John McCain writes that we used to recognize courage because the time was sympathetic to its occurrence. Senator McCain was lamenting in his book, "Why Courage Matters" on the passing of an attitude with the Greatest Generation of World War II. He goes on to say that our present conflict with terror has a disorienting effect because it asks nothing of us. Courage rises because we value something or someone beyond ourselves; that becomes our nearest duty other than our own well being. What is the makeup of the firefighter headed up that stairway in the World Trade Center, or the squad leader who compromises his own position to bring someone to safety in Iraq, or the neighbor who wades door to door through a septic flood water to get the elderly out of New Orleans' Ninth Ward?

Courage has as its root, "coeur", or heart. To have courage is to be full of heart and the kind of character which allows us to move onto the uncultivated terrain of the next moment. So where does this journey of character begin? Conviction starts the great quest. The conviction of, "because I value this!" is the raw innocence everyone must start with. We find a register of convictions in our Creeds and our Baptismal Covenant. We renewed this sense of conviction about what we value during the liturgy on
Easter Even.

Sooner or later these convictions will be tested with fear. In my seven years in this job I have been with many persons after a time of courage whether it was in a combat zone, waiting for execution on death row, or in chemo-therapy. Some have gotten philosophical, others more analytical, but all of them realized that the onset of the transaction began when fear was exposed but not given the power to determine the outcome. Fear clashes with the optimism of conviction and heightens it with the worry we might fail the expectation of our own conviction as we reach the very edge of ourselves where fragile humanity becomes clear, sharp, and distinct.

I don't think a person conquers fear but I do think they achieve a perspective it with it. Our Prayer Book for The Armed Services plainly acknowledges the dignity of that fact with a section entitled, "When Facing Death Yourself." The crucial dynamic of living courageously has to do with living in spite of that fear. As fear comes so will opportunities for courage to meet a new faith uncovered or renewed. And what will prompt the courage to kick in? Faith will. Winston Churchill said courage was the first value because it guarantees the other values. I submit that if courage heads value, faith is at the center of value.

Which brings us back to conviction; it must be prominent enough in a life so that faith-when the time comes-has something to work with. Given all the persons I've spoke to about this dynamic none of them had a faith which had grown beyond their own confession. On some level there was a candid acknowledgement that what they said and what they did in life was connected. A healthy confessing community helps such a parity to grow. What we pray for we actually do something about. And here's relevance for us and this inventory of effective chaplaincy we've been examining tonight. For just as we have done a cursory accounting of how companionable we are, portable-ready to reach persons involved in the quickening dramas of life. Or, how perpetually ready for newness we admit we have been-preparing our lives for impromptu and uncertain contacts. Now, more ominously, how honest and relevant our confession is before God governs how we will be at a time of testing. We take the measure of this challenge in the Lord's Prayer when we say, "save us from the time of trial.", or, "lead us not into temptation." What "trial" are we talking about? Simply will we have the resources of character to meet the requirements of the challenges that are set before us?

In Jesus' words finding your faith will make you whole. Our Lord infers a dynamic there; faith means to set the heart upon an action, "to faithe" something, i.e., to start courage, to risk. Faith sets us up to do courageous acts since faith uncovers our connection to others rather than designating anyone separate and apart. In that sense faith enables us to do integrating selfless acts.

Fear will always be encountered, will hopefully meet a conviction, and through that innocence be transformed into courage to risk the good thing to do. But this all doesn't happen without that mysterious something added from beyond this heroic pursuit of courage...faith. Faith allows us to claim the possibility that we might change in ways that allows us to trust enough to risk the outcome. Faith sets us on a course when there is only a glimmer of possibility. And that is a gift, one that chaplaincy depends on and don't we all?

The Rt. Rev. George E. Packard, Bishop Suffragan for Chaplaincies

References:
Faith, Trusting Your Own Deepest Experience by Sharon Salzberg
Riverhead Books
ISBN: 1-57322-340-9

Governing Delaware, Policy Problems in the First State by William W. Boyer University of Delaware Press
ISBN: 0-87413-721-7

Why Courage Matters, The Way to a Braver Life by John McCain and
Mark Salter
Random House
ISBN: 1-4000-6030-3

 

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What Chaplains Are Reading -- and Writing

Three recent books authored by 3 Episcopal Church chaplains:

REFUGE AND STRENGTH: Prayers for the Military and Their Families, by Chaplain Theodore W. Edwards, Church Publishing, 2008, 176 pages. Ted served for over 20 years as a US Navy active duty chaplain and retired in 2003 with the rank of Commander. He now resides in Parrish, Florida, where he is enjoying writing and providing occasional Sunday supply and interim ministry.

 

 

 

 

 

WHERE IS GOD AMIDST THE BOMBS?: A Priest’s Reflection from the Combat Zone, by Chaplain C. Neal Goldsborough, Forward Movement, 2008, 95 pages. Neal is a Naval Reserve chaplain (Captain) who was mobilized and spent a year as chaplain of a field hospital in Kuwait where wounded troops and others were brought from Iraq and Afghanistan. He is the rector of St. John’s Church in Barrington, RI.

 

 

WHEN JOHNNY/JOANIE COMES MARCHING HOME: Reuniting Military Families Following Deployment, [ISBN: 978-0-9754305-9-0] by Chaplain Lester L. Westling, Jr., Praxis Press, 2006, 117 pages w/ DVD attached. PART ONE includes positive coping with separations; acknowledging that not all deployments involve direct contact with an armed aggressor, a special chapter explains how combat effects both the combatant and the family; why combat stress is unique, including causes of PTSD; deals with women deployed at sea and in combat; and constructive planning for return and successful family reunions. Positive resources are described within and that surround military families – including the chaplaincy. PART TWO is the complete text of “Pre-Reunion Seminars” given six years with active forces and with spouses, with films on attached DVD - which also contains a pdf file so that seminars may be printed in 8.5” X 11” format for lectern use by facilitators and chaplains. These seminars are ready-for-use in the field or on board returning ships. Les pioneered family therapy in the sea services (including the Family Service Centers), and contributed the family reunion research with the Joint Center for POW Studies in 1973-4, all of which are described in his memoirs.

 

 

 

 

 

ALL THAT GLITTERS: Memoirs of a Minister, [2nd Edition ISBN: 978-0-615-20583-0] Hillwood Publishing Company, 2008, 448 pages, also by Chaplain Westling. Vignettes share over 50 years of learning experiences from domestic parish, overseas missionary, military chaplaincy, and hospital ministries. His 26 years of Navy Chaplaincy included two Viet Nam tours in fierce combat. The author was awarded Bronze Star w/”V”, Navy Commendation w/”V” and the Purple Heart Medal. He retired as Captain, with a license as Marriage and Family Therapist in California.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Have just completed reading a series of books by Bart Ehrman (5) in all in which he discusses the various early Church divisions, the problems of Jesus' statements and the lives of Peter, Paul and Mray Magdalene. I found these books to be very thought provoking as well as interesting.Another book, Jesus, A Revolutionary Biography written by John Dominic Crossan provides much to think about as he writes of Jesus' life. This book is not for everyone as it calls into question some of the ideas held on the subject.— Jerry Beaumont

Just finished Doris Goodwin's "Team of Rivals". Great stuff on the political wisdom of Abraham Lincoln, although she's a bit too enamored of her subject to be completely objective. Still a worthwhile read. — Jim Cravens

"In terms of books, I used my voucher you so generously provided to buy Danforth's Faith and Politics. You kidded me that it was a safe pick, and it may have been. That said, I would be hard pressed to name a book I liked more in 2006. His section on public prayer should be mandatory reading by all chaplains. I found myself wanting to cheer at the end of numerous paragraphs — and that is not my usual reading style. These days I'm strongly recommending two recent reads: The first is Beyond Da Vinci by Greg Jones, an EC priest. It is a brief (100 ppg, approx), but masterful synopsis of Brown's novel that deftly separates, truth, spin and fabrication. It is very helpful in assisting concerned believers who need context and tools to separate wheat from chaff. The second is a book entitled, Shockwave: Countdown to Hiroshima by Stephen Walker, a Brit. It is a thriller. The entire book spans only the time from the Trinity test to Hiroshima and there is not a dull page. It also tells very much about how war was waged at the strategic level and how the calculus of life and death was weighed in WWII." — Brad Ableson

"The most recent pertinent books which I have read are: A Short History of Myth by Karen Armstrong; The New Reformation by Matthew Fox; Papal Sins by Garry Wills. These books are helpful in every circumstance for those who wish to maintain a sense of compassion and devotion to the lives of others as we walk the paths of this life. I recommend them to all chaplains who seek a less constrained view of God the Father and our service here on earth. These books would probably not be helpful to those who are absolutely sure their faith and ministry are fundamentally unquestionable. They do help for those who put compassion first and have an understanding of Celtic spirituality which is essentially loving compassion toward others, especially those in need." — Gabriel DesHarnais

"I completed two writing projects this month. I reviewed Suicide: Pastoral Responses by Loren Townsend for the journal Chaplaincy Today as one of their volunteer reviewers. I also completed collaborating with two individuals at UC's Institute for the Study of Health writing a book chapter on spirituality and adolescent health. The forthcoming book will be released at the American Psychology Association's annual meeting in August 2007."
— Daniel Grossoehme

The Emperor's General by James Webb
— Mike Pollitt

"One very interesting book I have read recently is The Language of God by Dr. Francis S. Collins—a scientist's testimony to the theistic faith gaiend through natural law and scientific research." — August Peters

"If you are interested in pastoral resources for other chaplains, I recommend
Pray Without Ceasing by Debra VanDeusen-Hunsinger and a CD by Allan Cole on Grief produced by Austin Pres seminary in the Need to Know series." — David Scheider

"I read my chosen book, Sabbath Presence by Kathleen Casey. It was full of good reminders of what is really important—our relationship with God and one another, and that those relationships need nurturing." — Elizabeth Tattersall


"One of the additional projects that we are working toward is 4 units of "CPE" from CPSP. As you can imagine I have read many books in the course of this educational program, some of which I wouldn't recommend for uplifting or inspiring reading. However, two which have stood out are Hope-Focused Marriage Counseling by Worthington, and Competent Christian Counseling by Clinton and Ohlschlager."— Joe Vieira


"I've read several good books. One was on the faith of our soldiers and it gives good insight into the religious mindset of the young ones (and American youth in general). I've loaned it out, so I don't recall the exact title. But I also recommend Oath Betrayed —Torture, Medical Complicity and
the War on Terror by Steven H. Miles, M.D." — Gene Zeilfelder

"Teresa E. Snorton, executive director, Association of Clinical Pastoral Education, writes, 'The Work of the Chaplain by Naomi K. Paget and Janet R. McCormack, is a clear, concise text that offers essential understanding of this critical caregiver role in a variety of public contexts. This should be required reading for students in formation or introductory pastoral care classes in seminary, persons in their first unit of Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE) and for any clergy or layperson considering chaplaincy as a vocation.' I haven't read the book yet so I can't endorse it. But based on the description above, it is a book I intend to read." — David Fleenor

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Homily
By Bishop George Packard
St. Paul’s Episcopal Church, New Orleans, Louisiana
28 August 2006, the eve of the anniversary of Hurricane Katrina

John 11: 21-28

Once upon a time a people were asked to grieve bravely and to do acts of faith even though all meaning had not yet caught up with them

While Tropical Depression #115, the depression that would become Katrina – mushroomed and roiled off the African coast, Bishop Charles and Louise Jenkins were in Pearl Harbor, Hawaii visiting their son in the Navy. Canon Mark Stevenson was in Florida glued to his television watching the storm and Chad Jones was still unpacking bags after arriving in New Orleans. It was a summer everybody was glad was ending, bringing with it a fall season that would usher in a new period of hard work and a promise of good results. About the time that Tropical Depression #115 was starting to move westward; I was on vacation in Maine finishing the Hobart Lecture on “Pastoral response to Emergency and Critical Incidents” based on what we had learned in Iraq and after 9/11. I spent the actual landfall of the storm with a Marine chaplain and his family at their kitchen table – late into the night—as he anticipated deployment to SW Asia the next day.

Where were you?

Soon Katrina headed east – sparing the city of the high winds but spreading its vacuumed storm surge behind. As one person said, “it was as if Lake Pontchartrain was to receive all the water on earth” in the next few hours.

But my Hobart lecture on Iraq still had my attention as it ticked off some snappy statistics. A favorite was that “the golden hour” from the time of trauma wounds in the field to the soldier under the lights of a surgical suite was now 20 minutes. Think of it…20 minutes! I was soon to learn in this storm’s aftermath the response time was an “average” of 72 hours! If that.

When I got off the plane in Louisiana, the air was filled with the smell of sweet humus. It was as if the land was sighing after the storm and in effect was giving off all its accumulated greenhouse gas. “The storm at its peak dumped one inch of water an hour. There was no rhythm to it – just chaotic lashing.” (The Great Deluge, David Brinkley, p.193)

Why do these natural maelstroms touch us and frighten us so deeply? Certainly 646,000 homes destroyed and 145 billion dollars in damage and a great city erased of its natural character is part of the measure of how nasty Katrina was, but could there be more?

Joseph Conrad in his novel Typhoon says this of a storm:

“First, there was an overpowering concussion. In an instant men lost touch with each other. This is the disintegrating power of the great wind: it isolates one from mankind. An earthquake, a landslide, an avalanche overtake a man incidentally, as it was, without passion. A furious gale attacks him like a personal enemy, tries to grasp limbs, fastens upon his mind, seeks to rout his very spirit out of him.”

So, in the experience it is not only a weather event, it is a cataclysmic, interpersonal one too. “Oh hell, it was just a lot of rain that busted our neglected levees!” In the grossest analysis this is true. But it just didn’t happen anywhere – it happened here. To these very walls at St. Paul’s.

My family and I were in Guam one year and had to ride out a super typhoon. With the howling, you expect it to be storm like; blow, then let up, then blow – this just blew like a siren of hell. It seemed intent to seek you out, to gag you…it just felt evil. In the physical world the barometric pressure bottoms out and you feel immobilized. After eight hours of that New Orleans had rushing water too.

Conrad’s expression of it “fastening upon your mind, seeking to rout the very spirit from you,” seems to fill in that space of what we can’t quite name. The storm claims you.

And it happened here.

And what is the “here” mean? As a chronicler of the City said to me of New Orleans, “Doesn’t matter what you do as long as you’re willing to describe it to someone!”

Poet Wendell Berry writes:
“The most complete speech is that of conversation in a settled community of some age, where what is said refers to and evokes things, people, places, and events that are commonly known. In such a community to speak and hear is to remember. (Is It a Lost Cause, Marva Dawn, pages 60-61)

That may be lightly true elsewhere – it is loudly true in Louisiana and especially New Orleans. This is a place that can even talk down a storm. Have you heard this one? “You know you’re from Louisiana if you always have occasional waterfront property.”

It couldn’t be talked down this time.

From the notes I still carried with me about trauma elsewhere in the world:

“When a person is overwhelmed by terror and helplessness, the whole apparatus for purposeful activity is smashed.” (Trauma and Recovery, Judith Herman)

After I left New Orleans I went to Gulfport, Mississippi I accompanied a homeowner to his vacant property. The storm surge had swept it clean save for some debris around its periphery. I watched him as his hands moved over the things that were once part of his life. On the everyday level, its trying to figure out what to pick up, mend, empty out, discard, look at, reflect on, save, cry about, be delighted in (I found it!) Sometimes life seems so ordinary when it is being so extraordinary in those moments.

Remembering what Joseph Conrad recorded brings us to realize how insidious it all was. Remember that he wrote, “In an instant men lost contact with each other? This is the disintegrating power of the great wind.”

I recall writing phone numbers on the facing page of my Iraq lecture (having left quickly to catch the plane it was the only paper I had) - the new in-exile phone numbers of the diocesan staff at St. James, Baton Rouge around the margins of such things like, “Trauma alternates between being numbed and being intruded upon functions. There’s either an overwhelming feeling or arid states of no feeling at all.” (Trauma and Recovery, Judith Herman)

This entry, a scary one, peeked out above all those wonderful names of contacts for every pullout bed we could find in the Gulf Region: “Trauma inevitably brings loss, the loss of the assurances of being securely attached to others.” (Trauma and Recovery, Judith Herman)

In the midst of this hopelessness, we would do well to find other times when such pain persisted and persisted and persisted and yet we lasted. And as that search begins we look around and candidly assess that there are the lections for the Burial Office. Says one expert, “For telling the trauma story plunges us into profound grief. This descent into mourning is at once the most necessary and most dreaded of tasks.” (Trauma and Recovery, Judith Herman)

When I first got to Baton Rouge I visited the FEMA headquarters. They seemed to be perpetually on their lunch hour but while waiting for a clearance badge I could talk to those at their work stations. I was told never to refer to anyone as a refugee, or transient, not even survivor. But survivor, even plucky survivor is exactly the term. But some scholarship warns, “The survivor* resists mourning for fear and pride.” One psychiatrist even gets philosophical and even truer, “Mourning must be reframed as an act of courage and not humiliation; for only by grieving everything that was lost can the survivor discover his/her indestructible inner life.” (Trauma and Recovery, Judith Herman)

It is Christ who reframes mourning and grief.

We all know the story of Lazarus and how Jesus is destined for brave grief in this gospel lesson about the death of his friend.

It is Christ who is destined for brave grief in this Gospel.

Julian of Norwich says, “You will not be overcome, was said very insistently against every tribulation. (God) did not say: You will not be assailed, you will not be belabored, you will not be disquieted, but (God) said you will not be overcome.”(Showings, Julian of Norwich, p. 256 Guide to Prayer)

We must place our sorrow in the lead and use it as a prominent fixture, not as an afterthought on the way to cleanup and a new life and finally we must focus on He who gives us life and light in these times.

There are so many people rooting for and praying for you this night. But in the final analysis—no one has to tell you this—it is the dignity of your own story. Alone, it is your story and in that, about a year ago I said this land is truly gifted because like Martha facing Jesus you know Christ as in more than a place apart from you. There’s no clutter in the rendition we have heard in this portion of the Lazarus story. It is a spotlight moment between Martha and Jesus. “If only you had been here, Lord, my brother would not have died.” It is a sharp, brief, and painful glimpse into the chasm of hurt and disorientation. To which Jesus says, “I am the resurrection, and the life, he who believes in me shall never die.”

The prayer at that kitchen table with that deploying Marine chaplain and his family could have gone like this: “Almighty God who always moves with clarity of will and singleness of purpose, help me to live and work with certainty in an uncertain world. Light a lamp before me so that my feet do not stumble. Make my path clear so I may never wander from your chosen way. I pray in the name of Jesus who comes to make your way clear before our eyes.” (Upper Room Publications)

Is this all enough, really?

Sometimes we are called to do acts of faith by rote. Dave Knowlton often quotes fire chaplain Fr. Charles Bryant, “Liturgy is what you do when you don’t know what to say.”

After being taken to the concentration camp Rabbi Israel Spira, hid his prayer shawl, had services and remained faithful. He eventually became weak and was wasting away. The culling test was to jump over a ditch. He said to a young man, “hold on to me and the faith of your forefathers.” They jumped and made it. In the garden after the war he said Kadish over the soap believing as he did that there were remains of friends in the camp rendered by the evil now past. Sometimes we must just do the act of faith until the meaning overtakes us. Rabbi Spira died at 99 in Brooklyn, New York. (Hassidic Tales of the Holocaust, Yaffa Eliach)

About an hour and a year ago—“A curfew (went) into effect in (this City). Approximately 10,000 people were in the Superdome; an unknown number…waiting in houses and other buildings all over the region. And in about 45 minutes from now—a year ago— “the last train to leave New Orleans before the hurricane depart(ed) with many empty cars.” (Brinkley, 627)

And about 12 hours from now—a year ago—“The eye of Katrina (made) its landfall near Buras, Louisiana as a Category 4 hurricane. Pressure in the center of the storm (was) 920 mb, third lowest for a hurricane at landfall.” (Brinkley, 628)

Sheila Bosworth writes, “Buras was famous for its oranges, but I had remembered the little town for other sweet things: slow dances with fast-talking Plaquemines Parish boys on a holiday weekend when I was 14. Music with a ‘Baby, please’ beat on a phonograph and the blues man Charles Brown (singing)…” (New York Times)

The storm arrived there at 6:10 on the morning of August 29th and 20 minutes later the town was no more.
Still, we have nothing to fear of this night.

“You will not be overcome, was said very insistently and strongly for certainty and strength against every tribulation which may come. (God) did not say: You will not be assailed, you will not be belabored, you will not be disquieted, but (God) said you will not be overcome. God wants us to pay attention to his words and always to be strong in our certainty, in our well-being, and in our woe, for (God) loves us and delights in us.” (Showings, Julian of Norwich, page 256, Guide to Prayer.)

Once upon a time a people were asked to grieve bravely and to do acts of faith even though all meaning had not yet caught up with them.

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Easy Access to Holy Ground

Parables for Christian Living

Experiencing Bible Stories

Read story

Consider the Five Senses of the participants

Communities Mirrored in the Epistles

Read a chapter addressed to a specific community

What was happening that made this chapter necessary?

What was God trying to tell them through this Epistle?

How is our community like and unlike this community?

What is God trying to tell us through this Epistle?

 

 

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From the Diocese of New York

This year, September 11 falls on a Sunday and, because of the impact of that date, Bishop Mark Sisk has authorized the diocesan Liturgical Commission to prepare a special Proper for the day.

“The Proper and prayers present an opportunity as a remembrance and a memorial,” commented the Rev. Tobias Haller, chair of the Liturgical Commission. “The Commission specifically chose prayers that are appropriate and also that we are familiar with, readings that we know, to elicit the feelings that many of us have about that tragedy four years ago.”

The theme of the Proper, Haller said, is “respect, remembrance, and moving on.”

Written for Rite II, the 9/11 Proper will be available for Rite I and will be translated into Spanish and French.

Check the web site at www.dioceseny.org

Click here for the September 11 Proper

Among the suggested readings are:

Isaiah 61:1-4, which concludes, They shall build up the ancient ruins, they shall raise up the former devastations; they shall repair the ruined cities, the devastation of many generations.

Psalm 31: In hour, O Lord, have I taken refuge.

St. Paul’s letter to the Romans 8:31-39, which includes: For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

The Gospel of Matthew 5:1-10: ‘Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. ‘Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. ‘Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. ‘Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. ‘Blessed are the merciful, for they will receive mercy. ‘Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. ‘Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God. ‘Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

The Prayers of the People are woven around the familiar and much-loved Prayer of St. Francis.

The Commission also prepared a list of possible musical pieces, running the gamut of musical styles in our Episcopal Churches. The selections hail from our familiar song books: The Hymnal 1982; Wonder, Love and Praise; Lift Every Voice and Sing II; El Himnario. There are also suggestions for anthems and vocal solos.

The Proper and Prayer in French is available on the diocesan web site.

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Prayers for the Bombings in London from
The Rev. Frank W. Young, Rector
South Talladega County Episcopal Ministry
8 W. Walnut St., Sylacauga, AL 35150-3312

My dear brothers and sisters...

In times of calamity, our church has long used the Great Litany as a prayer. The ending includes an alternative (the Supplication) for times of national emergency. I commend this prayer to you today as we pray with and for our brothers and sisters in London. The thing that just infuriates me is that this was so obviously timed to coincide with the G-8 conference. This conference was to address the terrible poverty and deprivation of the people of the African continent and the global threat of environmental change. These are issues of such magnitude that it truly shows the madness of the terrorists that they would
think that their grievances outweigh the truly world-wide implications of Poverty and Climate change which could potentially destabilize the entire world. I think it fair to say such thinking and actions are more than "terrorist", they are truly daemonic. frank+

>Let us pray...

The Great Litany
O God the Father, Creator of heaven and earth,
Have mercy upon us.
O God the Son, Redeemer of the world,
Have mercy upon us.
O God the Holy Ghost, Sanctifier of the faithful,
Have mercy upon us.
O holy, blessed, and glorious Trinity, one God,
Have mercy upon us.
Remember not, Lord Christ, our offenses, nor the offenses of our forefathers; neither reward us according to our sins. Spare us, good Lord, spare thy people, whom thou hast redeemed with thy most precious blood, and by thy mercy preserve us for ever.
Spare us, good Lord.
From all evil and wickedness; from sin; from the crafts and assaults of the devil; and from everlasting damnation,
Good Lord, deliver us.
From all blindness of heart; from pride, vainglory, and hypocrisy;
from envy, hatred, and malice; and from all want of charity,
Good Lord, deliver us.
From all inordinate and sinful affections; and from all the deceits of
the world, the flesh, and the devil,
Good Lord, deliver us.
From all false doctrine, heresy, and schism; from hardness of heart,
and contempt of thy Word and commandment,
Good Lord, deliver us.
From lightning and tempest; from earthquake, fire, and flood; from
plague, pestilence, and famine,
Good Lord, deliver us.
From all oppression, conspiracy, and rebellion; from violence, battle,
and murder; and from dying suddenly and unprepared,
Good Lord, deliver us.
By the mystery of thy holy Incarnation; by thy holy Nativity and
submission to the Law; by thy Baptism, Fasting, and Temptation,
Good Lord, deliver us.
By thine Agony and Bloody Sweat; by thy Cross and Passion; by thy
precious Death and Burial; by thy glorious Resurrection and Ascension;
and by the Coming of the Holy Ghost,
Good Lord, deliver us.
In all time of our tribulation; in all time of our prosperity; in the
hour of death, and in the day of judgment,
Good Lord, deliver us.
We sinners do beseech thee to hear us, O Lord God; and that it may
please thee to rule and govern thy holy Church Universal in the right way,
We beseech thee to hear us, good Lord.
That it may please thee to illumine all bishops, priests, and deacons,
with true knowledge and understanding of thy Word; and that both by their preaching and living, they may set it forth, and show it accordingly,
We beseech thee to hear us, good Lord.
That it may please thee to bless and keep all thy people,
We beseech thee to hear us, good Lord.
That it may please thee to send forth laborers into thy harvest, and
to draw all mankind into thy kingdom,
We beseech thee to hear us, good Lord.
That it may please thee to give to all people increase of grace to hear and receive thy Word, and to bring forth the fruits of the Spirit,
We beseech thee to hear us, good Lord.
That it may please thee to bring into the way of truth all such as have erred, and are deceived,
We beseech thee to hear us, good Lord.
That it may please thee to give us a heart to love and fear thee, and diligently to live after thy commandments,
We beseech thee to hear us, good Lord.
That it may please thee so to rule the hearts of thy servants, the President of the United States, and all others in authority, that they may do justice, and love mercy, and walk in the ways of truth,
We beseech thee to hear us, good Lord.
That it may please thee to make wars to cease in all the world; to give to all nations unity, peace, and concord; and to bestow freedom upon all peoples,
We beseech thee to hear us, good Lord.
That it may please thee to show thy pity upon all prisoners and captives, the homeless and the hungry, and all who are desolate and oppressed,
We beseech thee to hear us, good Lord.
That it may please thee to give and preserve to our use the bountiful fruits of the earth, so that in due time all may enjoy them,
We beseech thee to hear us, good Lord.
That It may please thee to inspire us, in our several callings to do the work which thou givest us to do with singleness of heart as thy servants, and for the common good,
We beseech thee to hear us, good Lord.
That it may please thee to preserve all who are in danger by reason of their labor or their travel,
We beseech thee to hear us, good Lord.
That it may please thee to preserve, and provide for, all women in childbirth, young children and orphans, the widowed, and all whose homes are broken or torn by strife,
We beseech thee to hear us, good Lord.
That it may please thee to visit the lonely; to strengthen all who suffer in mind, body, and spirit; and to comfort with thy presence those who are failing and infirm,
We beseech thee to hear us, good Lord.
That it may please thee to support, help, and comfort all who are in danger, necessity, and tribulation,
We beseech thee to hear us, good Lord.
That it may please thee to have mercy upon all mankind,
We beseech thee to hear us, good Lord.
That it may please thee to give us true repentance; to forgive us all our sins, negligences, and ignorances; and to endue us with the grace of thy Holy Spirit to amend our lives according to thy holy Word,
We beseech thee to hear us, good Lord.
That it may please thee to forgive our enemies, persecutors, and slanderers, and to turn their hearts,
We beseech thee to hear us, good Lord.
That it may please thee to strengthen such as do stand; to comfort and help the weak-hearted; to raise up those who fall; and finally to beat down Satan under our feet,
We beseech thee to hear us, good Lord.
That it may please thee to grant to all the faithful departed eternal life and peace,
We beseech thee to hear us, good Lord.
That it may please thee to grant that, in the fellowship of all the saints, we may attain to thy heavenly kingdom,
We beseech thee to hear us, good Lord.
Son of God, we beseech thee to hear us.
Son of God, we beseech thee to hear us.
O Lamb of God, that takest away the sins of the world,
Have mercy upon us.
O Lamb of God, that takest away the sins of the world,
Have mercy upon us.
O Lamb of God, that takest away the sins of the world,
Grant us thy peace.
O Christ, hear us.
O Christ, hear us.
Lord, have mercy upon us.
Christ, have mercy upon us.
Lord, have mercy upon us.

The Supplication
For use in the Litany ... especially in times of war, or of national anxiety, or of disaster. O Lord, arise, help us;
And deliver us for thy Name's sake.
O God, we have heard with our ears, and our fathers have declared unto us, the noble works that thou didst in their days, and in the old time before them.
O Lord, arise, help us; and deliver us for thy Name's sake.
Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Ghost; as it was in> the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end. Amen. O Lord, arise, help us;> and deliver us for thy Name's sake.
From our enemies defend us, O Christ;
Graciously behold our afflictions.
With pity behold the sorrows of our hearts;
Mercifully forgive the sins of thy people.
Favorably with mercy hear our prayers;
O Son of David, have mercy upon us.
Both now and ever vouchsafe to hear us, O Christ;
Graciously hear us, O Christ; graciously hear us, O Lord Christ.

Let us pray... We humbly beseech thee, O Father, mercifully to look upon our infirmities; and, for the glory of thy Name, turn from us all those evils that we most justly have deserved; and grant that in all our troubles we may put our whole trust and confidence in thy mercy, and evermore serve thee in holiness and pureness of living, to thy honor and glory; through our only Mediator and Advocate, Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

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Homily by The Rt. Rev. George E. Packard, Bishop Suffragan for Chaplaincies
General Theological Seminary, Alumni/ae Memorial Eucharist
11:45 AM, 30 March 2005

Acts 3:1-10; Luke 24:13-35

Deep in the cold clutches of winter and Lent we had a meeting in Washington, D.C. about the Abu Ghraib prison scandal.

And so I begin with thoughts of Operation Iraqi Freedom which aroused many of us so negatively with its adventurism and disregard for the traditional principles of Just War. Still, American soldiers sought purpose in what they were doing. However, when it came to the only principles that mattered to them, proportionality and the protection of non-combatants, the question was often taken out of their hands because of the lethality of the conflict. In order for victory to be achieved a sweep of Falluja had to reduce the town to a parking lot. In the midst of this 13 Episcopal priests served in Harm’s Way. So intense was the fighting that chaplains were required to drive vehicles in convoy. Later two would be wounded. General Seminary graduate the Rev. Gary W. Howard is serving there now.

In the midst of this an ad hoc and now infamous imprisonment was taking place at the old Abu Ghraib facility. It was distinguished by abuse where men naked and humiliated cringed in fear after hours of degrading treatment and interrogation. Some would die because of this. What happened at Abu Ghraib to cause such atrocities and more to the point where were the chaplains charged with being the moral presence in a command? One chaplain railed unconvincingly, “you just don’t know the whole story, and our troops were probably provoked.”

The wife of one of our chaplains told me after he had deployed to Iraq that on the morning he departed he sat quietly in the living room and packed his mental tool kit. Subsequently when I spoke to him, he said, “I really carry everything around ‘in’ me for ministry.” It made me wonder about the non-negotiable for chaplains, all chaplains, and what we could do (or bring to bear) to answer the challenges of stress they would encounter and prevent the moral lapses found in the 800th Military Brigade assigned to Abu Ghraib. What was common to all whether he/she be a maritime chaplain visiting the crew of a ship at anchor, a hospital chaplain making rounds, a prison chaplain counseling an inmate, an emergency responder chaplain at a terrorist event, or a military chaplain talking with a scared soldier under fire?

We might determine this common theme by its absence keeping in mind the prayerful, imaginary packing our deploying chaplain was doing. As to the facts of the Abu Ghraib tragedy the group of chaplains were newly assigned to this Pennsylvania National Guard unit and not integrated into the outfit which meant they confined their activities to the barracks area and, because of security concerns as well as their own lack of initiative, they did not visit the cellblocks.

So here in the bare facts we discover a simple answer: that by confining themselves they had eliminated their presence where it was needed. The bitter aftertaste is that what our chaplain was emotionally and spiritually packing in his living room before deployment had an intention to bring presence to bear. For what is chaplaincy in its truest sense than an offer of companionship from despair to hope? Always looking for a novel answer we decided to call it “portability” in their work!

In this age when we think of portable DVD’s or portable vacuum cleaners how is the term relevant? It means that by his/her very presence a chaplain brings Christ to an out-of-the-way moment…and is ready. If the chaplain is engaged and he/she fits well, can literally “convert” a situation by bringing to bear all things that sponsor the presence of Christ. I have seen the entire atmosphere change when a chaplain visits a nursing station in a hospital. Those on duty think of themselves as spiritual beings with a spiritual history. Their work in the context of the chaplain’s visit now has a spiritual component. You can see how this transaction never got off the ground if the military chaplain postpones visiting the troops.

But Lent blessedly moved to Easter and as I mulled over this response during Lenten days--though my conclusions seemed sound--they were too limited and held the chaplaincy as the end of the story. Like the characters in Easter Week we can be perpetually shortsighted and not prepared for, what Frank Griswold calls “the wild and untamed realm of the Resurrection.” It is often easy to see why we come up with these inadequate answers since our identities are tied to them. The more Lent ripened the more the Resurrection was poised to make me restive and open to a world of other possibilities. For what is the Resurrection but the unimaginable next step into the future, something just beyond our power to understand it?

The Resurrection ever opens before us; and its power is tied to how we respond to its news of liberating, encompassing power. The Resurrection brings us to a continuing intimacy of caring what happens next to a world in need of reconciliation and repair. The tragedy of Abu Ghraib is not due only to a lack of beefed up moral exercises; it is that we did not love our Arab brothers/sisters enough. Such love urged on by the Resurrection vaccinates us against being manipulated by fear and the designs of others.

The formal report of the investigation of the scandal should give us a chill. It says of the seven soldiers of the 372nd Military Police Company who were convicted of prisoner abuse, “(they) were certainly provoked and stressed, at war, in constant danger, taunted and harassed by the very citizens they were sent to save and their comrades were dying daily in unpredictable circumstances.” The report goes on to the dark conclusion that they had “come to see Iraqis as interchangeable members of a contemptible and alien group.” (1) In other words, the ordinary processes of peer pressure, disarranged authority, stress, and the portrayal of an “out-group” resulted not in an extraordinary evil but in an ordinary process.

In the story of Mary Magdalene’s meeting Jesus in the garden He tells her not to hold him. She must move to the greater reality which beckons her forward in the Resurrection. She cannot freeze frame the moment. In our gospel story today the two disciples are kept from recognizing Jesus until their eyes are opened in the breaking of the bread. One translation says, “their eyes were held from seeing him.” We can get lulled into thinking what is before us is the only way to be and we clutch that reality dearly. Abu Ghraib defined its life as a response to fear and consequently became immobilized. The Emmaus Road experience in contrast defined its life as a response to hope and the possibilities became endless.

My mistake was to think of the chaplain as a carrier of techniques. I wonder if we are all in danger of such fames of mind even in this community for students, for faculty, for staff, for administrators, and for family members. Such thinking will be exploded by the risen Christ. If we intend to live with that sense of ourselves there will always be a vague feeling that something has been unfulfilled and that the answer we have is somehow shallow. It is that we have not loved radically and fully.

If you change the question to a chaplain of, “How prepared are you?” to, “What do you see and what are you embracing?” you might get such answers as these.

One of our hospital chaplains would tell of someone like Karla who had cancer and lived with her family in trailer in a small town in New Hampshire. Because she and her husband Tom have infrequent jobs and no medical insurance they can’t always make the timely arrangements for a bone marrow transplant much less think through the Medicaid paperwork or transportation to the medical center in Boston. Still, neighbors, friends, and their local church pitch in to hold things together. Karla has no hair from the chemotherapy and wears a kerchief which embarrasses her children. Karla is our sister and a member of our family.

One of our prison chaplains would describe John who is recently released from a state prison facility. He is a big African American, bald, with a gold earring and proud. His pride is what got him 3-5 years for aggravated assault. He should have walked away but he felt he had been insulted in front of his girlfriend. It's hard to think of him once as a spare young seven year old who liked to draw. Maybe it’s easier to think of him as a sibling then but imposing and strapping as he is, he is your brother and mine.

One of our military chaplains helped restore worship at St. George’s Church, Baghdad. The word got out in the neighborhood that a secure Christian church had reopened and the formerly faceless Iraqis streamed into the sanctuary from the surrounding streets. Catholics, Copts, Chaldeans, Orthodox, and Anglicans. The liturgy was tumultuous and glorious with the Lord’s Prayer said in seven simultaneous dialects. It was startling when everyone came up for Communion. Never mind an orderly line along a communion rail: it was a mob scene like greeting loved ones along the fence at an airport. That raucous crowd is filled with our relatives in Christ.

The Resurrection story is unkempt. It is filled with loves and commitments and things yet to do. It will not yield to an easy formula; it will strain our capacities and press our energies.

Karla succumbed to her cancer and never got a chance to help her son with his financial aid for college. Her networks of local care and worry “could assist her on their own ground but not on the foreign territory of college.” (2) Her son Zach joined the military soon after her funeral and is due to serve in Iraq.

John, our brother from prison works at a McDonald’s and lives with his girlfriend who is pregnant in a one room apartment. He hopes to get married, save up for technical school, and move to a larger place. He has become a Muslim. The abundant life and unruly life of the Christ given to us in the Resurrection widens and shapes our sense of things and brings us to embrace this son of Abraham as a brother.

Through an outreach linked with St. George’s, Baghdad and because they have always been perceived as trustworthy and neutral the Iraqi Reconciliation Council for Shiites and Sunnis has been formed. The Church itself is ringed with barbed wire now, has been bombed twice, and since they haven’t replaced the windows so it was easy to hear the hymn “Jesus Christ is Risen Today, Alleluia!” when they celebrated Easter morning. +gep

References:
1. www.pentagon.gov/news/detainees-investigation.html
2. The Working Poor, Invisible in America, by David K. Shipler, pp.174-200.

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A Proper for Memorial Day
By The Rev. Lloyd Prator
Rector
St. John’s in the Village, New York City

Memorial Day is, by act of the Congress of the United States of American, the last Monday in May.

Collect of the Day

Almighty God, our Heavenly Father, in whose hands are the living and the dead: We give you thanks for all those your servants who have laid down their lives in the service of our country. Grant to them your mercy and light of your presence, that the good work, which you have begun in them, may be perfected; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who with you and the Holy Spirit, lives and reigns, now and forever. Amen

The First Reading (Judges 5: 1-3, 9-11)

After the victory of the Israelites over King Jabin of Canaan, Deborah and Barak, son of Abinoam, sang on that day saying: “When locks are long in Israel, when the people offer themselves willingly – bless the Lord! Hear, O kings; give ear, O princes; to the Lord will I sing, I will make melody to the Lord, the God of Israel. My heart goes out to the commanders of Israel who offered themselves willingly among the people. Bless the Lord! Tell of it, you who ride on white donkeys, you who sit on rich carpets and you who walk by the way. To the sound of musicians at the watering place, there they repeat the triumphs of the Lord, the triumphs of his peasantry in Israel. Then down to the gates marched the people of the Lord.

The Word of the Lord.

Psalm 144: 1-10

The Second Reading (Acts 10:1-8)

In Caesarea there was a man named Cornelius, a centurion of the Italian Cohort, as it was called. He was a devout man who feared God with all his household; he gave alms generously to the people and prayed constantly to God. One afternoon at about three o’clock, he had a vision in which he clearly saw an angel of God coming in and saying to him, “Cornelius.” He stared at him in terror and said, “What is it, Lord?” he answered, “Your prayers and your alms have ascended as memorial before God. Now send men to Joppa for a certain Simon who is called Peter; he is lodging with, a tanner, whose house is by the seaside.” When the angel who spoke to him had left, he called two of his slaves and a devout soldier from the ranks of those who served him and, after telling them everything, he sent them to Joppa.

The Word of the Lord.

The Gospel (John 15:12-17)

The Holy Gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ according to John.

Glory to you, Lord Christ

Jesus said, “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. No one has greater love than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. I do not call you servants any longer because the servant does not know what the master is doing; but I have called you friends, because I have made known to you everything that I have heard from my Father. You did not choose me, but I chose you. And I appointed you to ask him in my name. I am giving you these commands so that you may love one another.

The gospel of the Lord
Praise to you, Lord Christ

Collect after the Prayers of the People

Almighty God, we commend to your gracious care and keeping all the men and women of our armed forces at home and aboard. Defend them day by day, with your heavenly grace; strengthen them in their trials and temptations; give them courage to face the perils that beset them; and grant them a sense of your abiding presence wherever they may be; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Proper Preface of the Faithful Departed

Other Memorial Day Resources

From Father Gerry Blackburn

Here is the “Collect for Heroic Service” found in our BCP, page 839, (and used in the worship leaflet on Memorial Day Sunday in 2003 at the Washington National Cathedral, in DC):

O judge of the nations, we remember before you with grateful hearts the men and women of our country who in the day of decision ventured much for the liberties we now enjoy. Grant that we may not rest until all the people of this land share the benefits of true freedom and gladly accept its disciplines. This we ask in the Name of Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

And as you know, our BCP has some other prayers that may be helpful to use on Memorial Day, especially prayer # 5 on page 838, “For the Nation,” #25, p. 823 and maybe # 28, p. 824 and perhaps #6 p. 816.

From The Rev. Beverly Van Horne
Trinity Episcopal Church, De Soto, Missouri

Almighty God, our heavenly Father, in whose hands are the living and the dead: We give you thanks for all your servants who have laid down their lives in the service of our country, especially N, N, N and are there others? PAUSE

Grant to them your mercy and the light of your presence; and give us such a lively sense of your righteous will, that the work you began in them may be perfected; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen

Father of all, we pray to you for all those whom we love but see no longer. Grant to them eternal rest. Let light perpetual shine upon them, may their souls and the souls of all the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace. Amen

Lord God Almighty, you have made all the peoples of the earth for your glory, to serve you in freedom and in peace: Give to the people of our country a zeal for justice and the strength of forbearance, that we may use our liberty in accordance with your gracious will; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen

 

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Dear Friends, I was asked this morning about some material for parents to help with their task of parenting especially during a deployment. Here are a few articles parents may find helpful.          Chaplain William Barbee

Helping Children Deal with Anger at Friends
Helping Children Manage Anger at Parents
Helping Children Adjust to Changes
Helping Children Get Along with Friends 
Helping Children Learn about Kindness
East Carolina Episcopalians prepare troops for what lies ahead

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Helping Children Deal with Anger at Friends Robert Hughes, Jr., Ph.D. Department of Human Development & Family Science The Ohio State University

All children get upset at their friends once in a while. They argue and they disagree. This is a normal way that children learn to get along with other people. It is important that children learn how to deal with angry feelings and conflicts so that others don't get hurt.

How children deal with anger is important for good relationships with other children. Children who learn to express anger without hurting others or being aggressive usually have better friendships. Also, kids who learn not to respond to other children's aggression are more able to stay out of fights. Learning how to cooperate and being kind will result in better friendships and more happiness. Parents and other adults can play an important role in helping children learn to handle anger.

Solving Problems
Children get angry at their friends for many reasons. Some of the most common reasons are teasing or calling each other names, hitting, slapping or just playing rough, and being left out of a game or activity.

As adults it may be easy for us to look at these situations and say, "Don't let those other kids make you mad." But in reality, these kinds of situations are bound to cause hurt feelings and anger. Children should understand that feeling angry is all right in itself. Anger often makes us want to change something about a situation that is unfair. But we all must be careful to deal with our anger so that it does not hurt others.

We want children to learn how to act in situations where they feel anger. In general we want to teach them how to express their anger without getting into a fight and hurting anyone. Children often act before they think in angry situations. Help children avoid this by giving them ideas about other things to do in these situations.

Children sometimes are too quick to think that the other person was mean on purpose. Somebody gets shoved or says something, and nobody stops to think that this might have started as an accident. Help children stop and ask themselves if the other child was being mean on purpose. Go over the situation and all the reasons why it might have been an accident.

Children can be cruel in many situations. Again, help children think about what they can do if someone is cruel or frustrates them. Help children tell the other person when they feel angry and why something bothers them. Remind children that others don't always think about why they do. By expressing their anger, children have a chance to change the situation. For example, if a child is not allowed to play with others, he or she can say, "I feel angry when you won't let me play." This lets the other children know that he or she is upset. Sometimes this is enough to make the other children act differently.

Still, many times this is not going to change the situation. Children need to understand that some children will be mean and thoughtless. And some will try to cause fights on purpose.

The best solution here may be to ignore the troublemaker or stay away from him or her. In these situations, children can try to keep themselves calm and try not to take it personally. For example, children might just say to themselves, "They must be having a bad day," or "Too bad for that person, being so mean all the time." By staying calm, children can stay out of some trouble.

Finally, let children know that sometimes there is nothing to do but talk about how they feel or work it out on their own. Hopefully, the person they talk to can help them understand their anger or suggest what they can do. The important think is to help children understand that there are many things they can do in conflict situations.

Aggression
Sometimes all children will be aggressive. They may get into fights with other children or yell at each other. Children should learn that yelling and hitting may help them get what they want for the moment, but it will not help them get along with others. Help them understand that other children like people who are kind and cooperative. Children need firm guidelines that aggressive behavior will not be permitted. The best tool against aggressive behavior is "time-out." When children yell or hit another person, remind them that this is not permitted and do not allow them to play for a while. They might be sent to their rooms or somewhere else where they will be alone. During this time, ask them to think about what else they could do to solve the problem besides hitting or yelling. It may be difficult for you at first, but it is important to handle all aggression in the same way. This pattern will help children learn that aggressive behavior is not allowed.

Children also need praise when they solve problems without being aggressive. This is just as important as stopping the hitting. When children are cooperating, sharing, and taking turns, tell them how nice it is to see them playing together. Remind them that it's more fun to get along.

Sometimes children don't understand that mean words and hitting make other people feel bad. Parents can help children understand how their actions affect others. When children have been aggressive, help them think about how they would feel if that had been done to them. Then ask how they think it makes the other person feel. These types of questions help children learn to care about the feelings of others. By understanding that, children will be less likely to hurt others.

Another important step in helping children deal with aggressive behavior is to be a good role model yourself. As parents and as adults, we must show that we can handle our angry feelings without hitting and yelling. Children who see adults handle their feelings by being aggressive all the time will assume that it's okay for them too. Television can also provide strong role models. Children who tend to be aggressive should not watch violent programs on TV.

Love and Acceptance
The most important force that will help children deal with anger is knowing that people love and care for them. They need our active attention, our loving concern, and lots of hugs. Affection and knowing how to solve problems in frustrating and conflict situations will help children get along well with their friends.

Discussion Questions
The following questions could be used to talk with children about anger.

1. Kids sometimes get into fights. Do you ever have arguments or fights with other kids that seem to start over nothing? Why do you think this happens? What could you do in these situations?

2. Sometimes you can feel disappointed when your parents don't do what they promise. Sometimes you don't get mad at your parent, but you get mad at someone else? Have you ever been mad at one person and then taken it out on someone else?

3. Some people say that, "just staying mad" won't help. They say that you have to tell others how to feel. When you are angry, how can you tell others how you feel?

4. Have you ever been mad at a friend? What do you do to get over being mad?

Activity
Ask children to write down some of the things that other kids do that make them angry. They might name things such as hitting, teasing, not being included in a game, and so forth. Together with the children, talk about each situation and help them think of all the things they could do to handle it without being aggressive.

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Helping Children Manage Anger at Parents Robert Hughes, Jr., Ph.D. Department of Human Development & Family Science The Ohio State University

Even in the best families, children will sometimes be angry at their parents. Getting angry at each other is part of normal family life. However, all children must learn how to manage their anger without hurting others. Children get angry at their parents for the same reasons that they get mad at their friends. They are frustrated because they can't do what they want or get something they want. They get angry in response to parents' demands. Or they get angry in response to their parents' anger.

Children also get angry at their parents for two special reasons. They may feel afraid of certain events or whatever is going on, and they may use the anger to express or cover up those concerns. Rather than feeling helpless, children often become angry. Children in single-parent families may often worry about parents leaving them or not caring about them, and these concerns may also trigger anger. And when children go through changes or surprises in their lives, they may get angry as a way to get some control. Anger gives them a sense of power over their lives. Parents can teach children to understand their anger and direct their energy toward solving the problem. Help children learn that anger is a signal that something is wrong. They need to stay calm and try to correct whatever is troubling them.

Feelings Are a Signal
Anger is an important feeling. It gives us a signal that something isn't right. Or that something is unfair. We want children to see and understand when they are feeling tense and uptight, so they can relax and focus on the problem. Help them realize that screaming and fighting will not lead to a solution.

We can help children recognize angry feelings by talking about the signs that signal the anger inside their bodies. Tense muscles or an upset, churning stomach are some of the feelings of anger. Ask them to think of situations that might make them angry. Have them pretend they are actually getting mad so they can understand these early signs of anger.

Staying Calm
The next step is to help children learn how to stay calm when they are feeling angry. Encourage them to remember to stay calm. The anger will only grow when children focus on it and say to themselves, "I'd really like to punch you out," or "I'm going to let you have it." Children can stay calm by saying, "I don't like this, but I'm not going to scream and yell," or "Getting upset won't help." Children can practice these calming statements by thinking about times when they might be angry and then saying some calming words to themselves.

In actual situations where children are feeling very angry, "time-out" can be used to help them calm down. If children scream and yell or become violent, remove them from the situation. Send them to their room and have them spend that time calming down. Encourage children to take their own "time-out." They can excuse themselves from the situation and go away to calm down. Help children learn how to manage anger by making sure that they don't get their way by being aggressive.

Some people think that beating on a pillow or tearing something up will help get the anger out. This just doesn't work. While it may seem better to take it out on some object rather than on a person, the aggressive feelings will probably not go away. Rather than beating up the anger, children need to find ways to use the anger to focus on the problem.

Attention to the Problem
Once children learn how to stay calm in frustrating and conflict situations, they can start focusing on the cause of those feelings. Here again, parents might encourage them to say to themselves, "I should just stay calm and try to understand why this is unfair," or "I'm not going to let this person get to me." Help children talk about what's bothering them and explain their feelings. As parents, we know that we can't always do what our children want, but we can explain to them when we can't do some things.

Sometimes as parents we are clearly wrong, or we haven't thought things through. We must remember that it's okay to change our minds when children can offer good ideas and suggestions for doing something else. Parents should never give in to aggression, but they should give in to good, clear reasoning. When we work with children as they try to solve problems, we teach them that it's okay to be angry as long as they stay calm and focus on solving the problem. Even when there is no way to change the situation, we can praise children for trying to solve the problem without being aggressive.

Our Own Anger
At a very early age, children learn how to make their parents angry. They see how we manage anger, and that becomes a model for how children manage their anger. Using punishment such as spanking will teach children that it's all right to be aggressive when they are angry. One of the nice things about time-out is that it lets the child calm down, and it lets the parent calm down too. It is important for children to see that when we are angry we are also trying to stay calm and focus on the problem.

This works not only when we are angry at our children, but also at other people. When we are angry at friends, relatives, an ex-spouse, or others, it is important that we manage these feelings. We should practice staying calm and addressing the problems. Not only will this provide a model for children, but it will also help solve the problem.

Love and Security
Remember that anger is sometimes the result of feeling afraid or helpless. When children know that they are loved and cared for, they are less likely to feel that way. Remind them that they are important and that they are worthy of our love and respect. By finding out what children are thinking and feeling and by spending time with them, we show that we care. In the long run, this will reduce their anger, but it may take time.

Children also need to feel safe and secure. This helps them feel that they have some control over what happens in their lives. And it reminds us how important it is for children to have routines in their lives. Bedtime, mealtimes, and school and weekend activities should all happen regularly, which will help put order in their lives. Of course there will always be some changes. And as parents we should help children be prepared for changes. If you are moving or changing jobs, let children know what is going to happen. Even when children don't like the change, you can answer their questions and assure them that there will be a routine again.

By providing children with love and security and helping them understand how to stay calm and solve problems, parents can help children manage their anger very well.

Discussion Questions
Use the following questions when you talk with children about being angry at parents.

1. Kids sometimes are angry with their parents. Have you ever felt angry at your parents? What makes you feel angry at them?
2. Why or why not? What can your parents say or do to help you calm down when you are angry?
3. How can you tell when you're angry? How do you look? How do you feel on the inside?
4. When you are angry, what can you do to calm yourself down?
5. Sometimes is helps to tell others when you are angry and to explain why you are angry. Can you think of something that makes you angry and then tell me how you feel and what you think we can do about it.

Activity
Together with your children, think of some conflicts you have had. They might be when you wouldn't let them go to a favorite friend's house because they had homework or hadn't done their chores. Act out these situations. Encourage children to talk about how it feels to be angry and then practice calming down. Also, try talking about different solutions to the problem.

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Helping Children Adjust to Changes Robert Hughes, Jr., Ph.D. Department of Human Development & Family Science The Ohio State University

Children and adults all need time to adjust to change. Even though we know some ways to help children adjust to changes in their lives, it still takes time. Throughout this program, ideas have been given for helping children adjust to changes in their family life. This last issue offers a few more suggestions on how parents and adults can help children.

Time to Adjust
For most children who have had changes in their family situations, adjustment time can last two or three years. During this time, children must try to accept the fact that their family really has changed. They have to deal with their feelings of loss. They must try to pay attention to school and playmates once again and build new relationships with their parents. This takes time.

It is also important to remember that changes will keep on coming. Many times, changes in families mean changes in neighborhoods and schools. Each of these changes will call for adjustments. The fewer changes there are, the easier it will be for children to adjust. Of course, changes can't always be controlled.

Children in single-parent families often face other types of changes. There may be changes in visitation and custody. Sometimes kids are just getting used to the idea that they won't have much contact with a parent when that parent enters the picture again. Then children must start to build a new relationship with that parent. Children have to adjust again and again as changes come along.

Families can also change as parents begin dating and thinking about the possibility of getting married. Children may worry and be concerned about how these changes will affect them. They may be afraid that if one parent remarries, their ties to the other parent will end. Even in cases where the parent has died or is never around, children may feel that they are not being loyal to the absent parent if they like this new person. In all of these cases, it is important for children to be prepared for changes in the family. They need a chance to ask questions and discuss their concerns. They need to get to know new people in their parents' lives. And they need to be sure that they can keep their relationship to the parent they don't live with. By letting them know what to expect, children can understand what their future holds.

Children Experience Positive Changes
Most people who study children in single-parent families focus on the bad things that can happen. There are also some positive things. Children in single-parent families often learn to be more independent. They say that by having more responsibility at home, they feel more confident in other situations.

Some children are also better at handling stress. Since they were able to make adjustments as kids, they will be more able to deal with changes in the future.

Many children also develop new and positive relations with friends and other extended family members and grow closer to their parents. During this process, some children also begin to understand how important other people are in their lives and gain the communication skills they need for good relationships.

Conflict Hurts Children
One of the most important things we have learned from studying families is that children who experience too much conflict will have more problems. There can be many sources of conflict for single-parent families. They can come up between former spouses or among family and friends--especially if single parents share homes with others. Regardless of the source, open conflict can cause problems for kids.

It is important for parents to find ways to control their own conflicts and deal with their own anger. Parents face many frustrating situations and problems that can lead to anger. When you know that you will be with a person who upsets you, try to prepare yourself. Imagine the situation to yourself. Think of all the things this person might say or do to get at you. Think of ways that you can stay calm in the face of insults or put-downs, or practice just ignoring these remarks. Keep reminding yourself how important it is to be calm, and practice comments or thoughts that will help keep the situation quiet. Rather than thinking the worst, try to be positive. Remember that you want to solve a problem and that too much anger will only get you off the track.

If you find yourself getting very angry, this is the time to talk to yourself in ways that calm you down. If you get too angry, you may be rash or mean, and this will probably not help the situation. The best way to solve a problem and stay in control is to keep your anger from taking over. Just because you stay calm and try to solve problems does not mean that others will behave as they should. If you can't avoid dealing with someone who will cause conflict, try to prevent the children from seeing and hearing it. This will not always be possible, of course, but try to remember that having fights in front of the children will hurt them.

Love and Limits
When we look at the long-term, we know that children need love, and they need to know there are rules and limits. Regardless of the family, healthy children need people who care about them and respond to their needs and concerns. And they need people who will teach them how to control their anger and aggression so that they don't hurt themselves or others. Try to show your love and affection every day. Teach children how to get along with others. They can learn to adjust to the changes in their families in healthy ways.

Discussion Questions
Ask the following questions when you talk with children about changes in their family

1. Who are your good friends and why are they important to you?
2. Families always changing. Name some of the changes that have happened in your family. How do you feel about them?
3. Do you expect any changes in your family in the future? What are they? How do you feel about them?
4. Some kids don't see one of their parents very much. Has this ever happened to you? How did you feel? What did you do?
5. Sometimes changes in our families make us feel closer to others. What makes you feel good about your family?

Activity
There can be many changes in families. They can move, children may go to different schools, custody or visitation plans may change, or parents can get married. Think about recent changes in your family and talk about other changes that have occurred or may occur in the near future. Ask children how you could all work together to make changes easier. Draw a special picture that shows your family doing something fun. This could be done by the whole family together.

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Helping Children Get Along with Friends Robert Hughes, Jr., Ph.D. Department of Human Development & Family Science The Ohio State University

Friends are important to children. They make life more interesting and fun. They are playmates, and they help children feel that they belong. Children who have friends are less lonely and depressed. They are also more likely to feel confident and good about themselves. In long-range terms, we know that when kids have good friendships, they will probably do well in school and grow up to be well-adjusted adults. For these reasons, it is important for adults to help children learn to be good friends and to have good friends.

Children's Ideas about Friends
As children grow up, their ideas about friends change. As preschoolers, friends are there to play with. While these friendships may not seem very important, they really give children much happiness.

In the school-age years, children start to build some clear ideas about friendship. In general, friends are those they play with, talk with, and share with. Friends are people to do things with. They also have some ideas about how to treat friends. Friends are nice to each other, they are helpful, and they protect each other.

In the early teen years, these ideas about friendship change further. During this time, young teenagers begin to understand the importance of sharing personal information with friends. They realize that friends are the ones you can share your private feelings and thoughts with, not just those you enjoy being around.
Cooperation
One of the important skills in making and being good friends is cooperation. Especially in the school-age years when children spend lots of time playing with each other, it is important for them to learn to get along together. Sharing. Children need to learn how to take turns and share. Children are more likely to get along with each other when they can be fair. This means learning to wait while others get to do something fun. It can also mean learning to give up a fun activity or a toy so that another child can get a turn.
Asking permission
Children also need to learn how to ask permission to join an activity or to play with something. Sometimes children just try to take over a situation rather than ask if they can play. Children need to understand that when they try to push their way into a game, it is more than likely going to end in an argument.
Suggestions
Another common problem among children is that one child will try to boss other children around. Bossy children are not liked by other kids. Encourage children to express their ideas, but show them how to offer suggestions rather than give orders. If a child wants everybody to play a game a certain way, he or she might say, "Why don't we do it this way?" rather than saying, "Play the game my way."
Alternatives
Like adults, children have disagreements. In playing with each other, they must find ways to solve those disagreements. If a child doesn't like the way a game is being played or doesn't think it is fair, he or she can suggest another way. This works better than being bossy or just not playing at all. It is important to help children understand that finding other ways to do something will help change the situation.
Winning
Children sometimes get too competitive. They will turn games into contests and always try to come out first. Children need to be encouraged to have fun in their games and play with other children. But don't ask them who is winning or who came in first; ask questions about how much fun it was to play or how well children worked together as a team. When a child is too competitive, other children won't want to play with him or her.

Teaching Cooperation
Children have to learn how to cooperate, it doesn't just happen naturally. Adults can be an important source of help in teaching children how to cooperate.

A first step in helping children learn to cooperate is to pick out situations where the child has difficulty. Does he or she have trouble waiting his or her turn? Does he jump into games without asking?

Is she bossy with other children? Does he end up in lots of disagreements over rules? Is she always trying to be the winner? Discussions. The second step could be to talk about the child's behavior in the situation. What does he or she see happening? If you can notice problems such as bossing others around or always trying to win, discuss this with the child. Try to get the children to imagine how they would feel if others were bossy or always trying to win. You could point out that other children will enjoy playing with them more if they are less bossy or competitive.

Another idea is to give them some make-believe situations and ask them what else they could do besides being bossy or competitive. Often bossy children have to learn how to make suggestions rather than give orders. You could ask the children to pretend and practice making some suggestions.
Practice
The next step is actually trying to practice these new social skills. The next time the children are playing, encourage them to try suggestions rather than give orders. If you have a chance to watch the child playing, this would be ideal--then you could see if they try out the new ideas. Obviously, change will not come about immediately. You will need to talk several times about successes and failures as they try out new ways to get along. Keep looking at the situation, have the children pretend what to do, and encourage them to try things out in their play.

Summary
Parents and others adults can be important teachers as children learn how to get along with their friends. They need your help in understanding what works and what doesn't work. And most importantly, they need your encouragement as they build strong friendships.

Discussion Questions
The following questions could be used to talk with children.

    1. Can you think of times when you play with other children? What can kids do to get along better?
    2. Sometimes kids get into fights about about who is first or who gets a toy or game. What can kids do to solve this problem?
    3. Sometimes we want other people to do things and so we boss them around. What else could you do besides being bossy?

Activity
With your child, talk about the following situations and ask what a child could do in them:
      a. Several children are playing a game; you ask to play and they say "no."
      b. A new kid comes to school and is standing to the side while the other children
           play.
      c. Another kid is being bossy and telling everybody what to do.
      d. Five kids want to play a board game, but the rules only allow four to play at a
           time.

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Helping Children Learn about Kindness Robert Hughes, Jr., Ph.D. Department of Human Development & Family Science The Ohio State University

Learning to help is important for building strong friendships. Children who have strong friendships with other children care about how they feel. They stick up for them when others tease them, and they try to make them feel better when they are hurt or sad.
Helping others is a key to good friendship. It is also an important social skill that will help children in all types of relationships. Even at a very early age, children can tell when others are in distress, but they still must learn how to help others. Parents and other adults can help children learn these skills.

Different Kinds of Helping
Children can help others in many different kinds of situations. The most common kinds of help are those that take place every day. Children can learn to give praise when others do well and thank them when they help. They can also encourage others and take an interest in what other children are doing. All of these kinds of help take place as a part of daily life.
Other kinds of help may not be needed every day, but it is always important for children to learn what to do in these situations. When a child is being teased or yelled at, others should step in and stick up for the child or suggest doing something else. When another child is sad or lonely, helpful children will try to comfort the sad one by thinking of something to do or talking about times when they too were unhappy. Children can help others in many ways, and learning how to help will make them feel better about themselves and build stronger ties with friends.

Learning to Put Yourself in Others' Shoes
It is critical for children to learn how to put themselves "in someone else's shoes" if they are going to learn to help others. During the school-age years, children can begin to see things from another person's point-of-view. They begin to understand that others may not view things just as they do, and they can think how they would feel if they were in that situation—in that person's shoes. Knowing how others are thinking and feeling helps children understand how others might need help.

For example, when a child sees another child get hurt, he or she can think how it would hurt and understand the need for help. We can encourage children to put themselves in someone else's shoes by helping them think about how they might feel in a certain situation. In our daily lives, we can encourage children to care about others' feelings and thoughts. When we see people in real life or in books and on television, going through good and bad situations, ask children to pay attention to how others are feeling and thinking. For example, when someone gets hurt on television, we can ask, "How do you think that person is feeling?" and "What is he or she thinking about?" These questions focus the child's attention on how others feel and think. Also, when children talk about school or the playground, about who pushed who or who got in trouble, ask them to think about how those children must feel and what they might be thinking. Learning how to put themselves in others' shoes and imagining how they are thinking and feeling is an important first step in learning to help others.

Teaching Helping
Parents and adults can help children learn about helping others in many ways. In general, you can let them know how important it is to help. When others are unhappy or in trouble, talk about it with your children. For example, if there is a news story about someone in an accident or someone who is hungry or homeless, talk about why it is important to help these people. Children's values come from the values they hear from others.

Children also learn how to help by doing what they see adults do. When you as an adult help someone, you can make a point of showing the child how it works when someone is helpful. For example, a little brother or sister might fall down and start crying. As you help, talk about how you understand that the child is hurt. Explain your own feelings of distress at seeing someone else hurt. And as you comfort the crying child, talk about the good feelings you have when you can make others feel better. By sharing your thoughts and feelings, children can both see and hear about your kindness, and they will have a better idea about how to help. You may want children to pay special attention to everyday situations where other children are crying, frustrated, or lonely. These are important times to help.

You can also teach children how to help by telling them how good they are when they are helpful. When children show care or have ideas about helping others, take note of it. You might say something like, "You are being a big help to your little brother today," or "You're really helpful to our family." By praising children when they help, we teach them how important it is to be helpful and how others notice it.

Children also learn about helping by taking care of others. When children have a chance to look after younger brothers and sisters or to help other playmates, they get good practice in helping. School-age children are too young to babysit all alone, of course, but they can look out for others for short times while adults are in another room. Explain clearly to children wheat they are to do. "I want you to look after your sister while I do some laundry." Tell children that they are really in charge of caring for the little one. There are many other chances to encourage children to help each other. They can teach others how to do chores, such as how to sweep, how to set the table, or how to fold clothes. They can teach others how to care for themselves or get dressed or how to play games and do homework. By learning to help brothers, sisters, and playmates, they are learning how to be good friends to each other. Children can also learn to help by caring for adults. Doing chores for grandparents, neighbors, or others who need help can also teach them about helping.

Finally, we teach children about helping others by treating them with love and kindness. When their cares and hurts are treated with kindness, they experience the good feelings that come from being helped. From this, they understand for themselves the value of helping. They know that when they show kindness, they are making others feel good.

Discussion Questions
The following questions could be used to talk with children.

   1. Sometimes children call other kids names or tease them. Have you ever seen other kids get teased? What could you do to help?
   2. Do you think it's important to help your friends? Why?
   3. It can help to think about how others feel. How can you tell how others are feeling? What can you do to put yourself in their shoes?
   4. How would someone feel whose best friend moved away? What could you do to help them?

Activity
Ask children to think about how they would think and feel if they were in the following situations and how they would want to be helped.
   a. You are a new kid in school.
   b. You have just lost a favorite pet.
   c. You can't do some of the math problems in school.
   d. You aren't very good at playing sports.

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East Carolina Episcopalians prepare troops for what lies ahead
by Scott Nunn
(ENS) A military response to the September 11 terrorist attacks would likely involve thousands of troops from bases in the Diocese of East Carolina.

Both Fort Bragg in Fayetteville and Camp Lejeune in Jacksonville are home to troops that often are deployed as front-line forces during times of conflict. There are also troops at Seymour Johnson Air Force Base in Goldsboro; Cherry Point Marine Corps Air Station in Havelock; Pope Air Force Base in Fayetteville and New River Air Station in Jacksonville.

Each Sunday the Episcopal churches in these military towns are filled with active-duty and retired military personnel, bringing special challenges to the parishes, especially in times of conflict.

The Rev. Ray Brown of Holy Trinity in Fayetteville estimates that 25 percent of his congregation is comprised of retired and active-duty military. And Holy Trinity is taking definite steps to ensure that the church will be there for these parishioners in the event of a deployment.

Lt. Col. Fred Brown, a parishioner at Holy Trinity and a clinical psychologist in the US Army, is heading a parish pastoral care team that will help meet the needs of military families. In case of a deployment, parish families are adopting military families so they can provide support if needed, such as helping out with children. The parish is also planning a mom's or dad's morning out in which the church will provide child care to allow a parent with a deployed spouse some free time.

The church has established a prayer list for people to list names of their loved ones who are serving in the military.

And although the troops from Fort Bragg's 82nd Airborne Division and Special Forces are fighting soldiers, Brown said they are not what you might call war mongers. Brown, himself a Vietnam War veteran, said today's troops are much better trained and more professional than they were during his days in the service. "These people really are professionals and are very well trained," Brown said. "They will do their jobs and follow their orders but they are not going in somewhere to burn villages."

At St. John's Church in Fayetteville, assistant rector Jim Taylor made the same observation. Taylor said he has heard no one talking about wanting to "go bomb something."

"I have not heard any hatred," Taylor said. "I have heard much more about unity and patriotism and supporting the military but no words of hatred."

The Rev. Marjorie McCarty is rector of St. Christopher's Church in Havelock, home to the Marine Corps Air Station at Cherry Point and a squadron of Harrier jets. The church's senior warden is an active duty Marine.

She said her church has talked about the conversion of evil rather than the destruction of evil.

"These are very thoughtful people," she said of the military personnel in her church and ones she encounters on base where she teaches a class in world religions.

And while these churches mobilize to offer help in case of a major deployment, Brown is all too aware that there may be tougher duties down the road in case of casualties. He feels good that he has such a strong group of retired military in his church, soldiers and spouses who have been through combat before, who can help.

"I know we've got a lot of nervous young families," he said. "But some of the older ones have been through this and they have a better idea of what is going on."

--Scott Nunn is Director of Communications for the Diocese of East Carolina.

 

 

 

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